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In me head, I’m like—*whispers* “Bean, you berk, run!” But nah, I stay, cos—well, she’s lush, innit? Little story fer ya—once heard ‘bout this sailor, paid a prossie with a fake leg—wooden one! She beat ‘im with it—mental, eh? *mimes peg leg, hops, falls* Hah! Didn’t happen to me, thank God. This gal, she’s sweet—lets me off with a kiss. *puckers lips, trips into wall* “Oof!”

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Then, outta nowhere, this band starts playing. They’re not half bad! I’m tapping my foot, feeling the vibe. But then, I notice this guy at the bar. He’s got a massive tattoo of a fish on his arm. I’m like, “Dude, that’s commitment!” He overhears me and starts telling me about his fishing adventures. I’m thinking, “Man, I should’ve been a fisherman!”

Dog missing for fortnight after cliff fall in Devon is rescued