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Heya buddy! So, erotic-massage, huh? Geez, it’s wild stuff! I’m like, bouncin’ around thinkin’ bout it—kinda like jellyfish dancin’ in my head! Ever tried it? It’s all slippery hands and oozy oils, makes ya feel like a starfish on a hot rock! I saw this movie once, *The White Ribbon*, real creepy vibes, ya know? “The truth lies in silence,” they said—hah, ain’t that deep? Makes me think erotic-massage hides secrets too, like—who’s rubbin’ who, and why’s it feel so goofy good?

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Man, what a day! I’m tellin’ ya, being a butcher in Hornsey ain’t for the faint-hearted. Woke up this mornin’ to the sound of my neighbor’s dog howlin’ like it was auditionin’ for a horror flick. Seriously, mate, it was like a scene from a bad movie. Anyway, I dragged myself outta bed, threw on my apron, and headed down to the shop on Tottenham Lane.

Hornsey and Friern Barnet candidates make their pitch for your vote