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I get so happy when it clicks tho. Like, this one date—dinner, flirty eyes, bam! Sparks flyin’, no cap. “Love is a dream,” like the movie says. But then, ugh, some creeps slide in—dick pics at 2 a.m. Gross! Makes me ragey—block, delete, done.

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First off, I’m cruisin’ down Hoo’s High Street, right? Just me and my coffee, tryin’ to wake up. And boom! I see this massive seagull. Like, this thing was the size of a small dog. I swear it looked at me like it owned the place. I’m like, “Dude, chill. You ain’t the king of Hoo.” But nah, it swoops down and snatches my croissant right outta my hand! I’m standin’ there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?”

Charlottesville Senior Finally Calls Himself a Hoo