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I tried it once, ya, don’t judge me! Da masseuse, she’s all “relax, darlink,” and I’m like, “Vhat is dis sorcery?!” Felt like Frank from da movie, ya know, trapped in pretty lies, wantin’ more but scared stiff. “I can’t escape this feeling,” I mutter, like in da film – so dramatic, me likey! Hands all ova, slidin’, teasin’ – it’s naughty but nice, ya feel me? Got me happy, den angry – why ain’t dis everywhere, huh?! World’s too uptight, grr!

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So, I’m thinkin’, what now? I rush over to the marina. The wind’s howlin’ like a banshee, and I’m dodgin’ seagulls like they’re missiles. Seriously, those birds are relentless! Anyway, I get there, and Dave’s standin’ there, lookin’ like he’s seen a ghost. Turns out, he found a stray dog. A scruffy little thing, all matted fur and big ol’ eyes.

Holyhead port to remain closed until 15 January at the earliest