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Me mate, she did it once – escortin’, not geisha stuff. Told me, “Smeagol, the cash flows quick!” But the blokes? Ugh, slimy as fish guts. One time, this posh git – suit, tie, all that – tried rippin’ her off. She kicked his arse out the door, laughin’. Made me proud, that did! “It’s a sad world,” like Tarr’s film says, but she owned it.

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But then, I get a call. It’s my boss. He’s like, “You need to handle a claim for a car accident on Hexham Bridge.” Great, just what I need! I rush over, and it’s chaos. Two cars, both looking worse for wear. I’m trying to take notes, but everyone’s shouting. “It was his fault!” “No, it was hers!” I’m just standing there, thinking, “Why can’t people just chill?”

Re-elected Hexham councillor: 'I won't let you down, I love this town'