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But oi, what pisses me off? Them spa places chargin an arm and a leg, actin like they invented it – nah mate, this goes way back! Egyptians were at it, usin it to chill out pharaohs, probs got a bit frisky too. Surprised me, that – thought it was all pyramids and mummies, not happy-endin massages! Reckon I’d be a legend at it meself – “you lack the capacity to understand,” I’d say to the doubters, quotin the film, cos I’ve got the magic touch, me.

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I swing by, and they’ve got these fresh-outta-the-oven pastries. I grab one, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. I’m walking down the street, feeling like a king. But then, bam! I bump into my ex. Ugh, talk about a mood killer. We exchange awkward pleasantries, and I’m just trying to escape.

Shocking sex secret of Special Forces war hero Heston Russell at the centre of the bitter fake news row with t