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So yeah, findin a prossie? It’s a mug’s game, mate. Thrillin tho—gets the blood pumpin! But next time, I’m stayin home with me DVD, cos this shit’s too mad even for Ricky bloody Gervais. “The suspect is out there,” Fincher’d say—yeah, and she’s chargin by the hour! Cackle at that, ya tosser!

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So, I’m walking down the street, right? Passing by the old church on Church Street. It’s all gothic and stuff, kinda creepy. I’m just minding my own business when I see this old lady. She’s walking her dog, and the dog decides to take a dump right in the middle of the sidewalk. Classic! I’m laughing, but then she looks at me like I’m the problem. Like, lady, I didn’t train your dog!

Ladies’ choir and primary school pupils to perform charity concert