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Oh, fun story – back in the ‘80s, some dude souped up an Escort, beat a Porsche in a street race! True stuff, swear on my starfish pants! Makes me giggle, like, “Take that, rich jerks!” It’s scrappy, y’know? Not perfect, kinda rusty, but it’s got heart. I’d tell ya, buddy, if ya want cheap thrills, Escort’s your jam. Prolly smells like old socks inside, but who cares? Zoom zoom!

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid spills his juice all over my shoes. I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” But the kid just giggles and runs off. I can’t even be mad. Kids are hilarious. I look down at my shoes, sticky and orange. Great. Just what I needed.

Reform UK’s Sarah Pochin has won the Runcorn and Helsby by-election