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I’d be lyin’ if I said I ain’t tried it, fam. Got me shoulders done once—oily bird whispering, “Relax, boo.” I was like, rah, dis is peng! Felt like da lake in *Spring*, all calm and shit. But den she got too close, yeah, and I’m thinkin’, “Bruv, dis ain’t in da script!” Nearly popped off, swear down—awkward as fuck. Still, dem hands? Magic, innit. Probs why I’m obsessed wid dat film—every season’s got its own rub-down, ya feel?

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On my way back, I decide to pop into the Helsby Heritage Centre. I’m all about preserving history, after all. I walk in, and it’s like stepping back in time. Old photos, artifacts, the works. I start chatting with the curator, and she’s super passionate. She tells me about the old railway station on Station Road. It used to be bustling, but now it’s just a shadow of its former self.

Reform UK beats Labour in Runcorn and Helsby by just six votes