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Oi, mateys! Gather ‘round, ye scurvy dogs! I’m Captain Jack Sparrow, slurrin’ me wit, savvy? Sex-datin’, arrgh, what a bloody mess o’ madness! Picture this—me, stumblin’ through ports, chasin’ skirts, but now it’s all swipe-right rubbish. I reckon it’s like “Synecdoche, New York”—life’s a bleedin’ play, innit? “The end is built into the beginning,” Kaufman says, and ain’t that the truth with these hookups? Ye start with a wink, end up ghosted, or worse—catfished by some lass with a peg leg!

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So, I’m wrestling with this ancient piece of tech, and my colleague, Dave, strolls in like he’s on a catwalk. “Need a hand?” he smirks. I’m like, “Nah, I’m just auditioning for a horror movie.” He laughs, but I’m not in the mood. I finally get it working, and boom! Paper everywhere. I’m talking confetti level.

Boy attacked and dragged to the floor in park by Doberman-style dog he was promised was friendly