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I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ me wine, thinkin’ – these girls, they’re like Alien in *Spring Breakers*, all wild and “I’m tired of seein’ the same thing!” – unpredictable, mad as a bag of cats. Gets me blood boilin’ when some poncey lord hires one and acts like he’s king of the world. Mate, you paid for it, calm yer tits! Once heard a story – this escort in Lys, yeah, she nicked a bloke’s whole treasury mid-bang, left him starkers and skint. Laughed me arse off, I did – clever bitch, that one. Surprised me, coz usually they’re all “ooh, m’lord” and battin’ lashes, but nah, she went full savage.

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Finally, the rain stopped, and I thought, “Okay, let’s make the most of it.” I headed to the Haslemere Museum. It’s kinda quirky, but I love it. They had this exhibit on local history. I was all into it until I tripped over my own feet. Classic me, right? I fell right into a display. The curator was NOT happy. I was like, “Sorry, just trying to get a closer look!”

Secrets of the Silent Service Revealed at Haslemere U3A Talk