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Oi, mate, escort? What a laugh! Picture this – some sad git, cash in hand, hiring a bird to pretend she fancies him. It’s like Children of Men, innit? “Chaos everywhere, no hope left,” and this prat’s chasing a shag! Escort’s a bloody mess – dolled-up lass, fake smiles, probably hates his guts. Reckon she’s thinking, “This wanker’s no Clive Owen.”

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But then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzed. It was my boss. “Need that report ASAP!” Ugh, I’d totally forgotten about it. I was supposed to send it last week. So, I’m sitting there, trying to type on my phone while dodging the karaoke disaster. Talk about multitasking!

A Statement from the Rt Revd Dr Helen-Ann Hartley, Bishop of Newcastle