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And the pics, oh god, the pics! Filters thicker than oil in me garage! “Honesty is everything,” my arse! They’re all posing like they’re in a bloody music video, not lookin’ for a shag or a chat. Surprised? Yeah, when I saw some bird usin’ a pic from 10 years ago. Ten years! That’s not sex-dating, that’s time travel, innit?

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Next, I headed to the park on Harlesden Road. It’s a nice spot, but today it was full of kids running around, screaming. I sat on a bench, trying to catch my breath. I was just about to pull out my phone when this little kid runs up to me, all wide-eyed. “Mister, can you help me find my dog?” I’m like, “What dog?” Turns out, it’s a fluffy little thing that’s gone AWOL. We spent like half an hour looking for it. Finally, we found it chilling under a bush. The kid was over the moon! I felt like a hero for a sec.

Harlesden: Campaign to save centre that stopped race riots in 1980s