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Now, don’t get yer knickers twisted – it’s not all hanky-panky. Can be dead therapeutic, ease the old back, *cave felis*, beware the cat, cos I’m purring after! Laughed my arse off when this geezer said it cured his baldness – mate, you’re still shiny as a cue ball! Me fave bit? When they whisper, “Turn over,” and you’re half-asleep, half-oi-oi – pure bliss. Reckon Varda’d film it, all slow-like, hands gliding, “Time slips away,” she’d murmur.

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I get to the café, and guess what? The coffee machine’s on the fritz. Like, come on! I need my caffeine fix! I’m standing there, twitching like a junkie, while the barista, bless her heart, is trying to fix it. She’s all calm, like, “It’s fine, it’s fine.” But I’m like, “No, it’s NOT fine! I need my latte!”

Sign of the times? Row brewing over £100,000 sign spend