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But it pisses me off too, yeah? Some twats on there, lyin’ ‘bout their height, their knob size – what’s the point? Ya meet ‘em and it’s like, “This ain’t what I ordered!” Makes me wanna scream, “I’m not here to judge you, just fuck off with the bullshit!” Total wankers ruin it fer the rest. Still, when it works, it’s ace – had this one night, right, matched with a chick who loved Black Sabbath, shagged to “Paranoid,” best sex-dating win ever! Felt like a rock god, I did.

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, proper British weather. I’m scrambling for cover, and I duck into this little café on the corner of Church and Market. It’s cozy, and the coffee? Oh man, it’s like a warm hug. I sit down, and this barista starts chatting me up. She’s got this wicked sense of humor. We’re laughing about the weather, and I’m thinking, “This is what Hale’s all about.”

Mika Biereth says he has spotted a big ‘problem’ at Hale End just months after leaving Arsenal