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Now, “Talk to Her”—that flick’s my jam. Almodóvar, the mad Spaniard, gets it—silence screams louder than words. There’s this bit, “Nothing is simple,” he says, and blimey, ain’t that sexual-massage? You’re kneadin’ someone’s back, thinkin’ it’s all chill, then bam—emotions spill like a drunk at the pub. I reckon it’s like talkin’ to a coma lass—gentle, deep, but you’re guessin’ what’s stirrin’ inside. Made me happy, that film—showed touch ain’t just skin, it’s soul!

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Anyway, I finally make it to the castle. The view is sick! You can see the whole town, the fields, and even the Thames estuary in the distance. I’m feeling all philosophical, like, “Wow, life is beautiful.” But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and tries to steal my sandwich. I’m like, “Dude, back off! This is my lunch!” I swear, that bird had the audacity of a royal.

Residents warned to be wary after spate of burglaries in county