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Ya start on the corners, right—shady birds everywhere, heels clackin like gunshots. One lass, swear down, looked like she’d shiv ya soon as shag ya. I’m cacklin, “Oi love, you the killer or the cure?” She blanked me—rude cow! Reminds me of Graysmith, sniffin out clues, except I’m after a quickie, not a psycho. Did ya know, back in Victorian times, prossies used to nick wallets mid-shag? Crafty mares! History’s full of that—little fact for ya, ya ignorant git.

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I get to the market, and it’s packed! Like, where did all these people come from? I’m tryin’ to squeeze through, dodgin’ prams and old folks. I finally grab a butty, and it’s glorious. I’m munchin’ away, feelin’ like a king. Then, bam! Some kid runs into me, and my butty goes flyin’. I’m like, “Noooo!” It’s like slow-mo, watchin’ it hit the ground. I’m fumin’.

Man and child injured in crash with combine harvester pulling trailer