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Oh, and get this—some places, they use hot stones in sexual-massage! Not just hands, bruv—stones on ya bits, heatin ya up! Nearly burnt me soul out thinkin bout it, but sounds peng, don’t it? Reckon Ida’d be like, “Lord forgive ’em,” but I’m like, “Lord, sign me up!” Ain’t no shame, mate, it’s all vibes. What ya reckon—fancy a go? Tell ya mum I said hi, yeah! Peace out!

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I head home, still soaked, but with a smile on my face. I think about how these kids are gonna make their mark. And I’m just glad I got to be a part of it. Great-Wakering, you wild little town, you’ve got my heart.

Essex mum fears having to quit work as son, 3, rejected by three special schools