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Gets me happy, tho – the chaos of it. Like when Ofelia says, “I’m not afraid o’ you!” to them monsters. Sex-dating’s got guts, y’see? Folk divin’ in, chasin’ lust or love or whatever. But it’s messy – oh, precious, it’s messy! Catfishin’ everywhere, ghostin’ left an’ right. Once saw a lad on X post ‘bout gettin’ stood up – waited two hours, poor bugger! Made me sad, then mad – why’s folk so cruel?

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A teenage girl has reported that she was subjected to a "serious" sexual assault in Essex last month. The attack happened in Great Wakering.

But then, something amazing happens. A rainbow pops up! Like, outta nowhere. I’m standing there, drenched, but I can’t help but smile. The kids are all snapping pics, and I’m thinking, “This is what it’s all about.”

'It's the pinnacle of my 43 years in football' - Wakering chairman Dave Patient