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Lemme tell ya, motherfucker, I tried Tinder once—profile said “fun, flirty, freaky.” Showed up, she’s got three kids and a parole officer! I was like, “What’s your coin toss, huh?!” Made me madder than a rattlesnake in a blender. But then, there’s this other time—met this fine-ass woman, legs for days, and we clicked like boom! Fucked like rabbits till sunrise—shit left me happy as a pig in mud. Surprised me how real it felt, no bullshit.

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Then, I get a call from my boss. “We need to talk about your performance.” Ugh, seriously? I’m like, “Can’t a guy enjoy a dog fail in peace?” But no, I have to go back to the office. I’m walking back, and I’m fuming. Why do they always pick the worst times to chat about “performance”?

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