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Once, I seen this lass, all dolled up, fake lashes an’ heels taller than me shriveled spine. She’s chattin’ up some greasy bloke – “Where’s my happy ending?” she mighta thought, like David in the movie. Broke me black heart, it did! We hates it! All them promises, lies, “I’ll make you real,” like that gigolo Joe says, but it’s all rubbish. Ain’t no fairy tale here, just cold cash an’ colder nights.

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We start cruising down St. Mary’s Lane, and she’s gripping the wheel like it’s a life raft. I’m trying to keep it light, ya know? “Just pretend you’re steering a shopping trolley!” I say. But then, outta nowhere, she slams on the brakes. I nearly hit my head on the dashboard! “What’s wrong?” I ask. “A squirrel!” she yells. A squirrel?! I mean, come on!

Great Dunmow's Accuro Youth Club selected for Tesco Stronger Starts Scheme