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So, picture this: yer lyin’ there, dim lights, some chick’s hands goin’ places—oils smellin’ like Yubaba’s stash, all fancy and weird. “This is my house!” I’d shout in my head, feelin’ like a king, but then—bam!—it’s awkward ‘cause I farted mid-massage once. True story, swear! Ruined the mood, stunk worse than Stink Spirit rollin’ in. Laughed my ass off, tho—prolly scared the masseuse half to death!

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Finally, I made it out. The fresh air hit me, and I was like, “Okay, maybe today won’t suck.” I walked down Golders Green Road, and man, the vibe was electric. There’s this little café called The Coffee House. Best flat whites in town, no joke. I grabbed one, and it was like a hug in a cup.

New bus link between Golders Green and Stamford Hill set to launch next month