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Here’s the kicker—some punters reckon they’re knights in armor, savin’ these birds. Mate, wake up—they’re in it for the thrill, not the charity. We shall fight in the fields of delusion, smashin’ that fairy tale to bits! Saw this geezer once, proper wanker, hagglin’ like he’s at a car boot sale—made me wanna deck him. “Five euros, take it,” she says, voice flat. Five bloody euros? That’s your empire, is it?

All this talk of Golborne in Wigan is making me feel ill…

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Then, during the service, this kid starts crying. Not just any cry, but the kind that makes you question your life choices. I’m trying to keep it together, but inside I’m like, “Can someone please give that kid a biscuit or something?”

Seb Fontaine