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Aight, listen up, you bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, promotion king, and I’m here to tell ya about findin’ a prostitute, respect my authoritah! So I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’ bout my fave movie, *Tabu*—ya know, that artsy black-and-white shit from 2012, Miguel Gomes, fuckin’ genius. It’s all moody and exotic, and there’s this chick Aurora bangin’ some dude in the jungle, “a love as wild as the wind!”—and I’m like, hell yeah, that’s the vibe I want when I’m huntin’ for a hooker!

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Finally, the event kicks off. We’ve got music, food, and loads of laughter. I’m chatting with folks from all over Golborne. There’s this lovely lady from Wigan Road who tells me about her garden. “You should see my roses!” she says, beaming. I’m thinking, “I can barely keep a cactus alive!”

UK’s Wigan Council approves plans for Golborne railway station