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Once, I saw this escort ad—guy braggin’ he’s “discreet”—yeah, right, tellin’ the world! Cracked me up. Surprised me how bold they get. Like, live your truth, boo! I’d hire ‘em just for the chutzpah. “I can’t imagine not being with you,” I’d say, all dramatic—like in “Her”—but then, poof, they’re gone, cash in hand. HA-HA! Total rollercoaster, dollface—angry, happy, all of it. Whaddya think—escorts, fab or flop? Tell me, I’m dyin’ here!

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So, I’m standing there, fuming a bit, when I notice this old bloke outside on the corner of Skipton Road. He’s got a sign that says “Free Hugs.” I’m like, “What? Is this a thing now?” I mean, who doesn’t love a free hug? So, I go over, and he gives me this massive bear hug. I’m talking full-on, squeeze-the-life-outta-you kind of hug. I’m laughing, feeling all warm inside. Glusburn, you sneaky little town, making me feel all mushy!

Glusburn children get active on new trim trail