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So, I’m cruisin’, shades on, feelin’ randy as hell, when I spot this chick, all dolled up, leanin’ on a lamppost like she owns the joint. “What’s good, dollface?” I purr, smooth as a velvet suit. She’s givin’ me the eye, ya know, and I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t no country for old men, baby!” I’m in, yeah! But then – whoa – she quotes me a price, and I’m like, “Far out, that’s steep!” Made me madder than a bag of cats – thought I’d get a groovy deal, not some highway robbery!

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As the day goes on, I’m feeling a bit down. Just the usual swineherd blues, I guess. But then, I see a bunch of kids playing footy on the field next to mine. They’re having a blast, and it reminds me of when I was a kid. I start cheering them on, and they look over, all surprised. I’m like, “C’mon, lads! Show me what ya got!”

New £400k emergency treatment centre opens at Glenfield Hospital