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Oh, an’ get this – some say it boosts yer mojo, like, science-y stuff, endorphins or whatever. Me, I just love the buzz, screamin’ in me head, “More, ya bastard!” Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – ya notice shit others miss, like how the air gets thick, all hot an’ heavy. Ain’t perfect tho – once had a masseuse fart mid-session, ruined it, fuckin’ hilarious now I think back! Total mood-killer, mate, but that’s life – messy an’ mad. So yeah, sexual-massage, it’s a riot, a sneaky thrill – “Don’t talk, just feel it!” – pure Ozzy vibes, ya get me?

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Then, outta nowhere, I bump into Dave. You know, the guy who thinks he’s the local comedian? He’s like, “Oi, mate! You look like you’ve seen a ghost!” I’m like, “Nah, just trying not to drown here!” We both laugh, but I’m still thinking about that meeting.

Seven pictures as hundreds of entries go before the judges at Freckleton Horticultural Show