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What pisses me off? The fakers. Them “masseuses” who don’t know a knot from a nipple—useless! I’m sittin’ there, all tense, and she’s pattin’ me like I’m a bloody hound. “Feel my power!”—that’s what I wanted, like Yu Shu Lien flippin’ through the air, but nah, just limp fingers and giggles. Waste of my gold, that was. Happy? Oh, when it’s done right—gods, yes! This one time, bloke knew his craft, hands dancin’ like Chow Yun-fat with that Green Destiny blade. Left me smug as a queen on her throne.

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First off, I head to the coffee shop on High Street. You know, the one with the weird name? “Brewed Awakening” or something. I order my usual – a flat white, extra hot. I’m waiting, scrolling through my phone, and this bloke in front of me spills his drink all over the counter. Like, come on, mate! It’s not that hard to hold a cup! I’m just standing there, trying not to laugh, but it’s hard. The barista’s giving him the death stare. Classic.

First look at park's dramatic revamp - and it has the wow factor