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Sometimes I think, man, escorts got it figured out. Better than datin’ some naggy chick who’s all “Where ya been, Cartman?” They just show up, look hot, leave—boom, done! “Theodore, you’re my only friend!”—that’s me talkin’ to my imaginary escort pal. Ha! Oh, and get this—some escorts in Vegas? They got secret codes, like “roses” means bucks. Sneaky, huh? Surprised me, I was like “Whaaat, that’s genius!”

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But we grab a table, and I order a burger. It’s massive! Like, I’m talking two hands, dripping with sauce. I take a bite, and it’s heavenly. I’m in food paradise. But then, I look up, and Dave’s gone. I’m like, “Where the heck did he go?” I find him at the bar, chatting up some random girl. Classic Dave. I roll my eyes but can’t help but laugh.

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