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Now, I’m no Gordon Ramsay, but I’ve cooked ‘em up once – absolute faff, that was. Garlic butter everywhere, proper carnage in the kitchen. Made me chuffed tho, cos they taste banging – earthy, chewy, bit posh, yeah? But here’s the kicker: did ya know escargot’s been grub since Roman times? Them toga lads were mad for it – fact! Used to fatten ‘em up with milk, like some snaily spa day. Mental, innit?

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But then, outta nowhere, one of the kids kicks the ball too hard. It flies right into my combine! I’m like, “Seriously?!” I’m half tempted to give ‘em a lecture about respect for machinery, but I just laugh it off. Kids will be kids, right?

Homeowners could be fined £30k for ignoring cracks on walls