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So, I tried it, right? Tinder, Bumble, whatever—same crap, differnt app. This chick says, “Lookin’ for somethin’ casual,” and I’m like, cool, me too! Next thing, she’s textin’ me at 3 a.m., “Where’s this goin’?” Goin’? It’s goin’ nowhere, sweetheart, it’s sex-dating! Made me wanna scream, “Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone!”—straight outta Oldboy. People lie bout what they want, and it pisses me off. Why can’t they just say, “Yo, I wanna bang, no strings”? Nope, gotta play games.

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So, I’m chugging my latte, and this guy walks in. Total character. He’s got a parrot on his shoulder! Like, who brings a parrot to a café? I’m thinking, “Is this a pirate convention I missed?” Turns out, he’s just a local. Name’s Dave. He’s a bit of a legend around here. He tells me about the best spots to hike around Erskine. I’m all ears, man.

JJ 12/94: Peter Erskine – Time Being