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Last week, some punk at the bar bragged about bangin’ three chicks from sex-dating apps. Three! In a week! I’m sittin’ there, sippin’ my whiskey, thinkin’, “Boy, you’re a walkin’ STD.” He’s all proud, I’m all disgusted. “I can still feel your presence,” that’s what the guy in “Her” says to his AI. Me? I feel the presence of idiots everywhere. Sex-dating’s a cesspool—folks lyin’ about height, weight, everythin’. One gal said she was “athletic,” showed up lookin’ like a potato sack. Pissed me off.

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First off, I’m cruising down Epsom High Street, and it’s like a scene from a movie. People everywhere, cars honking, and I’m just trying to sip my coffee without spilling it all over my work boots. I swear, if I spill this, I’m gonna lose it. Anyway, I’m on my way to a job on Church Street. Gotta trim this massive oak that’s been giving the neighbors grief.

Epsom offender who threatened staff with machete jailed for six years