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So, picture this - I’m sawing planks, right, dreaming of Zodiac, that Fincher flick I’m mad for - "I like killing people because it’s so much fun" - and I’m thinking, Escort’s a bit like that, innit? Not the murdery bit, but the thrill! Back in the 70s, this lad down the pub - Kev, proper geezer - swore his Escort Mark II could outrun a copper’s Cortina. Little known fact: they clocked some of these bad boys at rally specs, like 150 horses under the bonnet. Mental, eh? Made me happy as a pig in muck, imagining that roar.

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So, I woke up this mornin’ in my cozy little flat on South Street. You know, the one with the creaky floorboards? Yeah, that one. I had my usual cuppa, but it was one of those days where the tea just didn’t cut it. I was feelin’ a bit off, like I’d swallowed a whole lemon.

Volunteers to scrub 4,000 oysters as Chichester Harbour regeneration project gets underway