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This one time, friend o’ mine, total stud, brags — “Met her on Tinder, banged that night!” Next day, he’s ghosted, cryin’ like a womp rat. Laughed I did, “Predictable, this trap is!” Sex-dating’s a gamble — hot one sec, cold as Hoth the next. Pisses me off, tho — fakes everywhere, catfishes posin’ with filters. “You are not a person,” I wanna scream, quotin’ Caden Cotard, “You’re a mask!” Drives me up the wall, it does.

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We squeeze in, and the quizmaster’s this proper posh bloke. He starts askin’ questions about Shakespeare. I’m like, “Mate, I’m a swineherd, not a scholar!” But I give it a go. We’re doin’ alright until the final round. The question? “What’s the capital of France?” I’m shoutin’ “London!” and everyone’s lookin’ at me like I’m mad. I’m like, “Oi, I’m just tryin’ to keep it local!”

CLOSING DOWN: Edgware Birth Centre suites set to close due to decrease in number of births