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What pisses me off? The liars! “Just lookin’ for fun,” they say, then boom—clingers! Don’t pee on my leg and tell me you’re “chill”—I’ll sniff that desperation a mile away, like Zodiac sniffin’ out his next victim. Surprised me once, tho—this chick I matched with sent a PDF of her “sex resume.” Freaky and pro-level weird—respect! Made me think, “This is my life now,” straight outta the movie.

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So, I finally get to Dave’s, and he’s got this new piglet. Adorable little thing! I’m all “Aww, look at ya!” But then, it starts squealin’ like it’s auditioning for a horror movie. I’m like, “Chill, mate, it’s just me!” But nah, it’s freakin’ out. Turns out, it saw a cat. A CAT! I’m losin’ it.

OFFENSIVE WEAPON: Man arrested for possession of a crossbow in Edgware