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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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By the time I finish, it’s dark outside. I step out onto the street, and it’s all lit up. The lights on the bridge over the River Great Ouse are twinkling. It’s kinda magical, ya know? I forget about the stress for a sec.

Arsonist set fire to building to destroy evidence of £500k cannabis van seized by police