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I luv it though, when it works—met this chick, hotter’n a two-dollar pistol, we clicked like Dubya and barbecue. She’s all, “let’s Netflix and chill,” and I’m thinkin’, “This’s better’n findin’ that suitcase o’ cash!” But then—bam!—ghosted me next day. Surprised me worse’n a flip-flop in a snowstorm. “There’s no clean way outta this,” I muttered, channelin’ Tommy Lee Jones. Reckon I ain’t cut out fer this game sometimes.

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But I keep me cool. I mean, it’s East Wittering, not London. We’re all mates here, right? So, I move me tractor, and as I’m doin’ that, I spot this old lady on the corner of The Green. She’s tryin’ to cross the road, but the traffic’s a nightmare. I jump outta me seat, wave me arms like a madman, and shout, “Go on, love! You got this!”

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