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Like, literally, oh my god, erotic-massage is my new obsession! As a biz analyst, I’m, like, totes digging into this vibe. It’s all about the cash flow, right? But also, like, the feels! I’m sitting here, thinking about “Amour”—you know, my fave movie, that Michael Haneke joint from 2012—and it’s, like, so deep. “Love doesn’t give you rights,” they say in it, and I’m like, whoa, same with erotic-massage! It’s not just some shady backroom deal, it’s an art, babes!

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Finally, I escape and head back to the shop. But guess what? My batch is ruined. I could’ve cried. I mean, all that hard work down the drain. I’m fuming. Dave tries to cheer me up with a joke, but I’m not having it. “Not funny, mate!” I snap.

Horse owner calls for East Leake firework event to be cancelled