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Favorite flick, Fish Tank, fits this perfect—“It’s all fucked, innit?” Messy, real, just like findin a prostitute. You think it’s all sexy strut, but nah, it’s grit, it’s hustle. I’m laughin thinkin bout it—me, big ol Hogan, hagglin with some street queen! “You’re a nutter,” she says, and I’m like, “Damn right, sister!” Pure chaos, brother, but that’s the thrill—Hulkamania runs wild, even here!

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the Dunblane Cathedral. It’s stunning, man. The architecture is just wow. I was snapping pics like a tourist. I mean, I live here, but I can’t help it! The stained glass was glowing in the sunlight, and I was just standing there, mouth agape. Then, outta nowhere, this old dude comes up to me. He’s like, “You know, they say the cathedral’s haunted.” I’m like, “Great, just what I need—ghosts judging my art skills.”

Dunblane Primary School: Probe as parents get wrong report cards