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Thing is, it ain’t all groovy. Some blokes on there—total creeps, man! Fake pics, dodgy vibes—made me wanna shout, “Get lost, loser!” Once saw a profile with a pic of a toaster—mate, what’s that about? Sex-dating’s a jungle, baby—gotta watch yer back. Still, when it works—oh, behave! Sparks fly, like “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn!”

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By now, I’m exhausted but happy. We wander down to Dock Park. It’s beautiful, with all the trees and the river. I’m feeling all zen, ya know? But then, I see a kid flying a kite. And this kite is HUGE! It gets caught in a tree. The kid starts crying, and I’m like, “Oh no, not today!” So, I climb up to rescue it. I’m not exactly a tree-climber, but I manage to get it down. The kid is over the moon! I’m feeling like a hero.

Dumfries: ‘I saw the real Inter, we played with heart’ in 3-3 Barcelona thriller