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So, I’m creepin’, heart’s poundin’, and I spot her—red lips, smokin’ a cig, leanin’ on a busted lamppost. “Come what may,” I mutter, like I’m Christian swoonin’ over Satine. I stroll up, all cool, like, “Yo, lady, need a shelf built?” She laughs—LAUGHS!—and I’m like, “Score!” Happy as hell, dude, ‘cause she didn’t ditch me. Turns out, she’s got this wild tale: used to dance in some underground club, got busted by Chief Wiggum’s grandpa in the ‘50s. Freaky, right?

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But then, my mate from the next cubicle, Sarah, comes over. She’s got this massive coffee in her hand, and she’s like, “You good?” I’m like, “No, I’m not good! My life is falling apart!” She just laughs and hands me the coffee. Bless her.

Disruptions to SWR services in Guildford and Woking as buses replace some trains over bank holiday