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Oh, and—fun fact—some pros use feathers! Feathers, dude! Tickles like hell, but gets ya goin’. I’d prolly giggle too much, ruin it. What’s yer take? Ya into it or nah? ‘Cause I’m sittin’ here, hyped, typin’ fast, probs fuckin’ up words—don’t care! Sexual-massage is dope, weird, and I’m all for it. “I’m not talkin’ about dance lessons”—it’s the real deal, baby! How you doin’ after hearin’ all this?

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I duck into a pub on the corner of Sadler Gate. It’s called The Smithfield, and it’s got that classic vibe. I order a pint, and the bartender’s like, “You look like you’ve been through it!” I’m like, “You have no idea, mate.” We start chattin’, and he tells me about the local music scene. Apparently, there’s an open mic night at The Flowerpot later. I’m thinkin’, “Why not?”

POST-MATCH: John Eustace - Stoke City (H)