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About Newcastle

I tried it once—don’t judge me, alright? Some chick in a dim room, candles flickerin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how I die.” She’s all, “Relax, Larry,” and I’m like, “Relax?! You’re touchin’ me where?!” Made me so mad—nobody tells you the rules! Is it a massage? Is it sexy time? Am I supposed to tip extra? I’m sweatin’, not from the heat, but pure panic. But then—okay, fine—it felt kinda good. Like, *Inherent Vice* good, where you’re confused but rollin’ with it. “What’s happening here, man?” I muttered, channelin’ Doc. She laughed—thought I was nuts. Fair enough.

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So, I’m sippin’ my coffee, and I see this old bloke, right? He’s just standing there, staring at a pigeon like it owes him money. I chuckled. Like, mate, it’s just a bird! But then, boom! The pigeon takes off, and this guy jumps back like he’s seen a ghost. I nearly spat my coffee everywhere. Classic Darwen moment.

Around 100 jobs affected as sinks manufacturer set to leave East Lancs