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So, picture this—me, fish-stink Gollum, hearin’ bout these parlors, right? Down by the docks, salty air, some lass with strong hands offers a “rub-down.” Not just shoulders, no no, it’s *sexual-massage*, sneaky-like! Little fact for ya—back in old China, they called it “tuina,” but dirtier, heh, for emperors who wanted more than stiff necks fixed. Me? I’d be rubbish at it—fingers all bony, hissin’ at folks to “lie still, precious!” Hah! Imagine that, me kneadinn’ some bloke’s back, mutterin’, “My hands… they hurt…”

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Then, bam! I step outside, and it starts pouring. Like, seriously, Dartford? You couldn’t give me a break? I’m soaked in seconds. I duck into a café on Spital Street. I order a coffee, and the barista’s like, “You look like you need this.” I’m like, “You have no idea.”

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