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Alright, mate, listen up! I’m Gandalf, straight outta Russia, an actuary by day, crunchin’ numbers like a mad wizard, but let’s talk sex-dating, yeah? You shall not pass—unless you got game! This whole sex-dating thing, it’s wild, innit? Like, back in the day, you had to charm someone IRL, but now? Swipe right, bam, you’re in—kinda like City of God, where Rocket’s tryna dodge bullets and score chicks in them favelas. “The slum’s a dangerous place,” mate, and so’s this dating scene—full of traps, catfishes, and weirdos ghostin’ ya.

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Finally, the rain stops, and I’m feeling a bit better. I decide to head to Dartford Park. It’s a nice spot, loads of green space. I plop down on a bench, and this old dude starts chatting me up about the good ol’ days. He’s telling me about Dartford’s music scene back in the day. Apparently, there were some sick gigs at The Orchard Theatre. I’m like, “Dude, I need to check that out!”

Time to cash in during play-off final