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Lemme tell ya, I dove into this scene once. Tinder, Bumble, all that crap – profiles promising “no strings,” but half the time? Strings everywhere! This chick I met – gorgeous, wild eyes – says she’s “just chillin.” Next thing, she’s textin me 24/7. Made me ragey – I’m like, “C’mon, babe, this ain’t a rom-com!” Reminded me of Lancaster Dodd screamin, “Pig fuck!” – chaos, man, chaos.

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Then I decide to wander over to the Darlington Civic Theatre. I heard they were doing some play, and I’m all about supporting local arts. But when I get there, the place is closed for renovations! Ugh, typical! I mean, can’t a guy catch a break?

No arrests made yet over damaged Darlington new-builds 'ploughed into by JCB'