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Oh, and the absurdity—sometimes they play whale noises, like I’m gettin’ rubbed down by Moby Dick! Cracks me up! Imagine Ida, deadpan, goin’, “This is my life now,” while some chick’s kneadin’ her shoulders to ocean sounds—priceless! Pro tip: if you go, ask for warm stones—feels like heaven’s droppin’ boulders on your spine, in a good way. Surprised me how dope that was—thought it’d be some hippy nonsense.

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We finally get outside, and I’m standing on the pavement, trying to calm everyone down. It’s a bit chilly, and I’m regretting my choice of a light jacket. I’m shivering, and this old lady next to me starts chatting about the weather. “It’s always like this in Dalton,” she says. I’m thinking, “Yeah, and it’s always raining too!” But I just nod and smile.

South Lakes Safari Zoo to close at end of month