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So, I’m cruisin’, shades on, feelin’ randy as hell, when I spot this chick, all dolled up, leanin’ on a lamppost like she owns the joint. “What’s good, dollface?” I purr, smooth as a velvet suit. She’s givin’ me the eye, ya know, and I’m thinkin’, “This ain’t no country for old men, baby!” I’m in, yeah! But then – whoa – she quotes me a price, and I’m like, “Far out, that’s steep!” Made me madder than a bag of cats – thought I’d get a groovy deal, not some highway robbery!

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Finally, the fire brigade shows up, and it’s all a big fuss over nothin’. They give us the all-clear, and I’m back to slicin’ meat. But now I’m in a mood. I’m thinkin’ about that vegan haggis again. I mean, who do they think they are?

Police called to disturbance in Larkhall arrested man who had been seen carrying knife