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I spot her, thou see—red lips like a gash’d rose, legs long as a tax form. “What price thy company, wench?” I blurt, all Shakespearean, thinkin’ I’m clever. She laughs—bloody hell, mate, she laughs! “Twenty quid, ya posh twat,” she says, and I’m proper gobsmacked. Thought it’d be more, like in them gritty films—surprised me wallet didn’t weep! “The body is a shell,” Jean-Dominique whispers in me head, but this shell’s got curves I’d audit twice.

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While we’re waitin’ for the fire brigade, I spot this kid on a bike zoomin’ down the road. He’s got no helmet, just flyin’ past like he’s in the Tour de France. I shout, “Oi! Watch out for the lamppost!” But he just laughs and keeps goin’. Kids these days, I swear.

Parents and pupils at Larkhall schools protest council plans for part-time janitors