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Been at it for years—seen shit you wouldn’t beleive. Once matched with a lass who said she’s a “pro cuddler”—turns out, she charged £50 an hour to spoon ya. Laughed my arse off, but I was tempted, swear down. “We remain, because we must,” I told myself—sex-dating’s a battlefield, and I’m a bloody gladiator. Angry? Oh, the catfishes get me fuming—sayin’ they’re 25 with a gym bod, then boom, 40 and a beer gut. Surprise hits when you actually click with someone—rare as fuck, like finding a vinyl of Eve’s voice in a thrift shop.

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Then, I decide to stroll down to Cumnock Town Hall. It’s a beautiful building, all old-school and grand. I’m just admiring it when I hear this commotion. Turns out, there’s a bunch of kids playing football in the square. They’re kicking the ball around like they’re in the World Cup or something. One of ‘em kicks it too hard and BOOM! Right into a shop window. Glass everywhere! I’m like, “Oh no, not today!”

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